Postpartum depression has been one of my biggest fears about pregnancy, as I’ve experienced major depression before. Over the past few days, though, I’ve felt the dark clouds gathering. Today, they came to a head, and I found myself sitting in the bathtub (my comfort zone), sobbing as I wrote out pages of poisonous thoughts and feelings…fears, feelings of doubt, all the “stuff” that comes with a depressive episode. Not pretty.

My self-indulgent sobbing was interrupted by UPS delivering my new “microhood.” (Funny how irrelevant it seems when you’re in that state…why should I bother with a new appliance?) He also brought inside an amazon.com delivery, which included a book by William Glasser. I’ve read several of Glasser’s books over the past few months, starting with “Choice Theory,” which had a title that just grabbed me. This one, about marriage, takes the same concepts and puts them into a different context. I sat back and read, calming myself down, as I remembered that even though what I was feeling was/is VERY real, it was (at least, in part) a choice. My circumstances are what they are, and my initial reactions are pretty well programmed; but, my continued response is a decision. Will I cry, withdraw, and depress what I’m feeling? Or will I move on?

While I was thinking about all of this, Baby (31 weeks today) started bumping around, nudging me, pushing so that I could watch my belly move. It’s probably projection, but I swear, it was as if SHE was comforting me. I’ve felt for a couple months that this child was going to be calm (very unlike me), and perhaps even a bit of a healer.  It’s like I feel like she’s probably a soul who’s picked me just because she knows the calming that I need…and it leaves me feeling very humbled.

In the darkest place, I knew that I had to live for at least another two months so that I could continue to nurture the life growing inside me.  After that, then she’ll need me…but wouldn’t any set of parents do?  I’m wondering now if perhaps it not that she needs me, as much as I need her.